The complete novella: ……..
.... in the correct order ....
The complete novella: ……..
.... in the correct order ....
Here’s chapter 5, the final part……..
Here it is!
Chapter Five: That There Revenge!
Harold and Sally and everyone else at the party were left with more than a little shock at all the events which had just taken place. Everyone was just standing there with a shocked, or in some cases, a terrified look on their faces. “What’s that there smell”, Uncle Larry asked? Everyone then put their noses all up in the air and took another deeper whiff of the green smoke which was still floating up in the air. “I think that that there smell is the fart from that zombified turkey”, Harold said. “I’m feelin’ all dizzy y’all”, Sally said. “Ya, I donts feel at all right neither”, Harold added. Everyone else at the party nodded in agreement that they didn’t feel just right after smelling the green gas.
For Harold, Sally, Uncle Larry, and all of the rest of the guests, the room began to slowly spin as if they were on an amusement park ride. “I don’t thinks I’m a gonna make it”, Harold said. The room began to spin faster and faster, and everybody’s eyes were all goooogelee and spinning, and then nobody could even stand up straight. “I thinks that I’m a gonna pass out there”, Sally said. “Ya, me too”, Uncle Larry agreed. And soon all the guests were overcome from the fumes of the green gas that was left hanging in the air by the fart from the zombie turkey. All of the guests were then passed out on the floor of the dining room, and the green gas was still handing around in the air, refusing to leave and in fact even gaining even more strength with the passing of time.
Meanwhile, the zombie turkey walked down the street, took a left and continued to walk down the road. He knew where he was heading, home. A while later he recognized the smell and look of the little farm house where he was raised and where he had once called home. The zombie turkey couldn’t figure out how to open up the gate which led to the house, so instead he decided to just jump over the fence, and soon he was walking up towards the house. Then he sees a few other turkeys that he recognizes and walks over to where they are at. After a little turkey small talk and reaquiantances all of the turkeys gathered close to where there were plenty of seeds on the ground for the taking.
Not too much longer after all of that, the small farm was full of zombified turkeys. There was a large group of oversized, small-minded, and angry zombie turkeys. And they all recognized who their leader was, the original zombie turkey, and they were all willing to do whatever he wanted them to do and were also willing to go whereever he would lead them. And he knew exactly where he would lead all of the zombie turkeys and he knew he was out for revenge against all of those at the Thanksgiving party who wanted to eat him, and especially Harold who had tried to cut him up. And so he lead the whole pack of zombie turkeys down the road from which he had come and was heading back to the home of Harold and Sally to get some of that there revenge.
A little while later, at the home of Harold and Sally, some of the guests who had been passed out for a considerable amount of time began to stir and a few even began to wake. And soon enough, Harold and Sally also began to stir. Harold had been passed out the longest, probably because he was closest to the green gas and must have breathed the most of it. “What is going on in here”, Harold asked? “Ya, why is we all tieds up and layin’ on this here floor”, Sally asked? “Ya, just what is all goin’ on in here”, Uncle Larry asked? As the guests all began to come to wake up, then soon enough all realized that they were all laying on the floor of the dining room and that they were all tied up. And they realized that they were not alone either. “Now, whats is all these here zombie turkeys a doin’ in here”, Harold asked? “And why do they all have them there knives”, Sally asked?
“Oh Lord, them there zombie turkeys is all fixin’ to eats us”, Harold said. “Now let’s stop all of this here foolishness and we can fights off these here zombie turkeys”, Sally said. But pretty much everybody, including Sally, realized that they were stuck and there was no way that they would be able to avoid being eaten for Thanksgiving. With all of that the zombie turkeys moved in closer with the intent of enjoying their Thanksgiving dinner. “You just had to go and get us one of them there nuclearfied 42 pound turkeys, didn’t you”, Harold said to Sally.
Here’s chapter 4, check back for the ending soon……..
Here it is!
Chapter Four: Zombified!
Harold raised the knife as he was ready to cut the 42 pound turkey. “First, I wants to thank all of you for coming to our Thanksgiving party this year”, Harold said. “And now, I knows that all of you are very hungry and you all wants to eat, so I’m a gonna cut up this here turkey, cause it sure enough smells too good to eat”, Harold added. The crowd stood in anticipation of seeing the turkey all cut up. Harold brought the knife and an utensil to help to cut the meat straight down to one side of the turkey and added a focused and intense look on his face as he prepared to make the first cut. A small bead of sweat ran down his forehead as he took in a long and deep breath. “Hey that there bird just moved”, someone in the crowd yelled out. Harold stopped and looked down closer at the turkey. “That turkey didn’t move, y’all stops tryin to all fool with me there”, Harold said.
“What’s all that there green stuff oozing out from behind that there turkey”, Uncle Larry asked? Harold looked at the rear of the turkey and saw what Uncle Larry was talking about. “I wonder what that there green stuff is”, Harold wondered? “I thinks that that is just some of the stuffing up in there”, Sally said. “Well, I’ll just sees about that”, Harold said. And with that, Harold took his index finger and stuck it right into the rear cavity of the turkey, and when his finger was all wet and slippery with the green stuff, he brought up the finger to his mouth and stuck it in. “Whoa, lord”, Harold yelled as a look of horror came across his face. “Now what’s wrong with that”, Sally asked? “That tastes like rotten garbage”, Harold said as he tried to keep from puking. “That there turkey just moved again”, someone from the group said. “Now, I’m not so sure about eatin’ this here bird”, Harold said. “Oh, just stop it everyone, that there turkey is just fine on the insides, even if the stuffing isn’t any good”, Sally insisted.
“Sally is right y’all”, Harold said after regaining his taste and composure. “Now, let’s stop all of this here non-sense and I’m a gonna cut up this here turkey”, Harold added. Now Harold brought the knife down to the side of the turkey once again and prepared himself to make the first cut. He added a little pressure to the skin of the turkey but it was a little tough. So he added still even more pressure and the knife started to go in just a little. Just then the crowd gasped and they all took a quick step back. Harold wondered just what was going on now. “I tolds y’all that that there turkey was still a movin'”, someone from the crowd screamed. “Gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”, the turkey growled! Harold could not believe his eyes nor his ears. “Hey Sally, I thinks that this here turkey is still alive”, Harold said. “That’s rediculous”, Sally insisted even though she too had heard the growl from the turkey. “Didn’t you hear it growl at me”, Harold asked? “Now let’s cut out all of this silliness, and you cut up that there turkey now”, Sally told Harold.
Harold once again brought the knife to the side of the turkey and tried to cut it. Then the turkey growled again and everyone could see it start to move all around on the tray. And with that the crowd took another quick step backwards. “That there turkey is still a movin'”, someone from the crowd yelled. “It sure enough is still alive”, Harold yelled! Then the 42 pound turkey rolled over onto its stomach and began to squirm around quite a bit more. There was still green stuff oozing out of the rear cavity of the turkey as it began to stand up on what was left of it’s back legs. Everyone’s eyes in the crowd were like giant saucer cups as none of them could believe their eyes. Just then the turkey let out a huge roar. “GGGggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”, it said!
“Now you have gots to be kiddin me”, Harold said, as the turkey began to walk to the edge of the table. The turkey gave a mean look back and then all of the sudden let out a huge fart that resulted in a big cloud of green smoke coming out of it’s rear cavity. The turkey then jumped off the edge of the table as everyone in the crowd began to smell the turkey’s fart. “Damn, that there turkey is zombified”, Harold yelled! The cloud of green smoke began to engulf the whole room and everyone in the room got a pretty good whiff of the turkey’s fart. Then the turkey headed for the front door, which someone had left open as they ran from the spectacle. Everyone in the dining room watched as the zombie turkey let out another loud roar and then walked out of the door.
Here comes chapter 3, check back for chapter 4 soon……..
Here it is!
Chapter 3: Out of the Oven!
“Ding Dong”, the door-bell rang. “There goes that there door-bell”, Sally says. Harold gets up out of his favorite chair and peeks out the front picture window and sees a large crowd of friends and family. “Looks like just about everybody whats we invited are all heres now”, he says. Sally also peeks out the window and sees the same small crowd that Harold had just seen, as Harold goes to the front door and opens it. “Happy Thanksgiving”, he yells. “Happy Thanksgiving”, the small crowd of people yells back at him and Sally. “Well, are you gonna invite us inside or are we gonna freeze to death out here”, Harold’s brother Bill asks? “Well come on in out of the cold”, Harold says as he and Sally move back to let the group in. “Y’all can hangs your coats and hats on that there coat rack”, Sally says whilst pointing to a wooden coat rack near a closet. And the group of friends and relatives begins to say hellos and start to make conversations while taking off their coats and hats and beginning to warm up and get comfortable.
Harold looked around and went around talking to everyone who had showed up to their Thanksgiving party this year. Everyone pretty much looked the same as last year, Harold thought. Everyone except Uncle Larry. Uncle Larry had been going through some tough times lately and Harold and Sally knew all about it. “All this here food sure enough smells great, Harold”, Uncle Larry said. “Ya and you looks like you haven’t eaten since last Thanksgiving, Uncle Larry”, Harold said. Uncle Larry scratched his forehead as if to wonder what exactly Harold, his nephew was talking about. “Well now, what on earths do you mean by that”, Uncle Larry said. “You looks like you’ve lost quite a lot of weight there, Uncle Larry”, Harold stated. “Oh ya, I guess I have lost a few pounds since last year”, Uncle Larry said. “You sees, my doctor put me on this here vegitarian diets, wheres you can only eats greens most days. But on special occasians I can have some meat, and you hads better believe that this here Thanksgiving is one of them there special occasians wheres I can eats meat”, Uncle Larry said while laughing. “Well then, I’m glad to hear that, Uncle Larry, because we done went and cooked us up a 42 pound turkey”, Harold said. “You must be jokin’, a forty-two pound turkey”, Uncle Larry said. “Yep, you heards me right, and It’ll be comin on out here in just a few minutes”, Harold said.
As the conversations carried on, in the kitchen a few of the ladies were helping Sally with all of the last minute cookin’ preperations. The conversations coming from the living room and the dining room were spilling into the kitchen, and they were getting louder and louder, indicating to Sally that everyone was well hungry and waiting to eat. “We better gets this here Thanksgiving dinner started before that there crowd gets up and out of control”, Sally said to no one in particular. “Is that there huge turkey done cookin’ up yet”, one of the ladies asked? “Well now, just lets me have another look”, Sally said. Then Sally went to the oven and slowly opened up the door. She peeked inside and saw that the large turkey was indeed done. “Ya, this turkey is sure enough done”, Sally said. But then Sally realized that it was not going to be so easy to get it out of the oven. Because it was so heavy that Harold had to put it into the oven in the first place, and even that was a struggle for him. And that is when it was still all cold and frozen! “I’m gonna needs some help to get this turkey out of this here oven”, Sally said.
“Hey, Harold, can you come in here for a minute”, Sally yelled out into the dining room. “Sure, I’ll be there in just a second”, Harold yelled back. And then Harold went into the kitchen. “Is that there turkey just about done cookin'”, Harold asked? “Ya, it’s done enough, but we will need some kind of help to get it up and out of that there oven”, Sally said. Harold then felt all of the heavy heat coming up and out of the oven. He then walked over to it and bent over and stuck his head closer to both get a better look and a better smell. While the heat was well excessive, harold noted that the turkey smelled great! And he noticed that it seemed to look fine as well, with the exception of some green slime oozing out of the rear cavity of the bird. “You did a great job on this here 42 pound turkey, honey”, Harold said to Sally. Sally smiled and then said, “thanks, honey. Now go and gets someone strong to help you with that there turkey. If you goes and drops it on the floors I’ll have to hit you upside your head with this here skillet”! Harold knew that she was joking but still took the threat seriously. He went back out to the dining room to fetch up someone just as strong as he was.
“Out of the way, hot turkey comin’ through”, Harold yelled as he and one of the guests carried the heavy turkey out into the dining room, leaving a trail of hot steam and the smell of fresh cooked turkey as they went. The guests all gasped at once when they saw the size of the 42 pound turkey. “That is the largest damn turkey I ever have seen”, one guest was overheard saying. “Are you sure that that there thing is really a turkey and not an ostrich or something”, another guest wondered out loud? The guests all couldn’t believe their own eyes. But the turkey looked great and smelled great too. “Come on everybody and gather arounds whilst I cut this here turkey”, Harold said. And soon enough there was a whole croud gathered all around Harold to watch him cut the 42 pound turkey…..
Sorry for the long delay again, but here comes chapter 2, and I will try to get the rest finished soon……..
Here it is!
Chapter 2: Cookin’ it up!
Harold goes back down stairs and returns to Sally in the kitchen. As he enters the kitchen, Sally is still trying to finish cooking up Thanksgiving dinner. “You didn’t go and clog up that there toilet, did you Harold”, Sally asked? “Hell no, that toilet is an American classic, it’s a 1952 Stoutart, built with pride in America”, Harold said. He had kept the toilet for many years. It had originally been in the house he grew up in as a child. He had a special fondness for that toilet and he intended on passing it down to his first born son, when the time came. “You thinks that toilet is something special, don’t you”, Sally wondered? “That toilet is a classic, I tells you”, Harold said emphatically. “Alright, I’m not going to argues with you about your damn toilet again”, Sally said while trying to return to her cooking.
Harold was enjoying the smells in the kitchen but also wondering where all the guests were and when would they be coming. “Why don’t you goes and watch some footballs on that there TV Harold”, Sally asked? “Yes, that sounds good”, Harold said. “But where is everybody at, they all should be here by now”, Harold asked? “They are all coming straight away, and they will be here soon enough, you just go and watch your footballs”, Sally demanded. Sally gives Harold a shove towards the living room and he heads out there and turns on the TV. “Hey its the Detroit Lions against the Chicago Bears”, Harold yells out to Sally. Sally didn’t hear or to be more accurate she didn’t pay any attention to what Harold had said. “This game is gonna be a classic, I tells ya”, Harold said. Harold sat down in his favorite chair and began to watch the game. He was trying to figure out the score but it was not on the screen just yet so Harold had to wait.
Meanwhile, Sally was just about to finish up everything in the kitchen. So she starts to put everything in large bowls and serving plates. “Hey Harold, if your not busy can you help me carry some of this here food outs to the dining room”, she asked? “Yes ‘mam, I’m a coming”, Harold said. Harold enters the kitchen and the smell of all the good food hits him in the nose and his stomach begins to growl loudly from hunger and anticipation of the upcoming great thanksgiving meal. “What on earth was that there noise”, Sally asked? “That was just my stomach”, Harold said. “I sure enough am gettin’ hungry now and this here food all smells great”, Harold continued. “Well then gets a move on and starts to carry some of this out to the dining room, and we’ll be eating soon enough”, Sally said. And Harold began to carry some of the large bowls and serving plates to the dining room, and Sally also helped carry some too.
After a whiles, all of the food, save for the 42-pound turkey, which was still cookin away in the oven, was finally on the dining room table. “I had better go and check on that there turkey and see if its near to gettin done”, Sally says. “Ok, now don’t you go and burn it”, Harold jokes. “Now you know I aint gonna burn that bird, and in facts I would bet you that it will be the best turkey you will ever have”, Sally says emphatically. Harold returns to the living room to watch his football game and Sally goes to the kitchen to check on the turkey. Harold finally finds out that the score of the game is all tied at 3 points a piece. And Sally finds that the turkey is well done and nearly ready to cut and serve. All that was really left to do was a little cleaning up of the kitchen and wait for the guests to arrive. So, Sally begins to clean up. And a little whiles later, the doorbell rings and the guests begin to arrive.
Sorry for the long delay, but here it comes. Another rotten short story from Shane Zentz, and this one will really smell, I promise. Yes, more bad fiction from Shane Zentz is heading right your way. So here it is, it’s called ‘Stanksgiving’ and its the story of a thanksgiving dinner gone way wrong. I think you will like this one, so here is Chapter one, entitled “What’s that smell?”…..enjoy the read…………..
Chapter One: What’s that smell?
“Damn, that smells good, honey”, Harold said. “Ya, I thinks that thanksgiving dinner will turn out pretty good this year”, Sally said. “But you don’t needs to be bothering me whilst I’m trying to cook this on up”, a frustrated and hot Sally told her husband, Harold. “Alright, I’ll gets out of your way and let you cook up this here Thanksgiving meal”, he said. Harold put his nose up in the air and took a big, deep breath, taking in all the smells in the kitchen. “Hey, I’m just wondering, does ya thinks that we all will have enough food here”, Harold asked? Sally continued stiring a pot and did not acknowledge Harold’s question. “How many peoples we got coming for Thanksgiving dinner this year”, Harold asked? “Now, don’t you go and worry yourself all up, we will have plenty for everyone”, Sally said. “I done bought us up a 42-pound turkey, and it’s cookin’ away right now”, she said.
‘Now, where did you go and get you a 42-pound turkey”, Harold asked? “I boughts it from a man what was selling em out by the plant over yonder”, Sally said. “What plant, not the nuclear plant they gots over there, did you”, he asked? “Ya, thats where I got it, I gots it plenty cheap too, it was only four dollars”, she replied. “That there bird could be toxified, you know all the stories we hear about what goes on at that there nuclear plant”, Harold worried. “Now your all worried abouts nothing, just takes a look at that there bird cookin up in there”, Sally said. Harold walked over to the oven, pulled the door open and bent down to take a peek inside. He studied the contents of the oven for a little while, took another deep whiff and then closed the door. “Ya, your probably right, that turkey sure enough smells great so it must be alright to eat”, Harold said. “Go on gets out of here and let me finish cookin this up”, Sally demanded. And Harold left the kitchen, and Sally returned to her chore of cooking.
Harold went up to the bathroom to get in some reading and to make room for the upcoming Thanksgiving day dinner that was soon to be served. Meanwhile Sally was cooking in the kitchen. She was making her speciality, an eight bean salad, which consisted of eight different kinds of beans as well as onions and cabbage. All of the sudden she heard a noise and stopped what she was doing. She thought that the noise was a muted belch. It must be Harold hanging around she thought. But she soon realised that it could not have been Harold because she heard the upstairs toilet flush with a roar. “That toilet is sure enough gonna be sore in the morning”, she thought. But then she wondered what it was that she had heard. She thought that it had come from the oven or near the oven. She walked over to the oven and opened the door.
When Sally opened the door another belch sounded followed by a burbeling sound, like boiling oil. She looked in the oven and saw that the turkey was cooking but also noticed that there appeared to be some thick green liquid oozing from several cavities of the bird. This is unusual, she thought. But there were no odd smells, everything seemed good, so she decides to just ignore it and lets the bird continue to cook. The smell of Thanksgiving was all in the air, downstairs, but upstairs, Harold had just finished up his business in the bathroom and a mighty stink filled the air. Harold grabbed a can of Lysol heavy duty air freshener from a cabinet and let loose with a cloud of spray. This did not kill the horrible smell but instead somehow mated with it and eventually produced a new smell altogether. The resulting smell was not as bad as the first but still potent and skunky. Harold cracked a window to help get rid of the stench, but even that did not seem to help too much.
Absolutely Indicted Articles, Thanks for Entropy…..
One of my favorite wordpress spam lines of all time. Indicted articles? Entropy?
I haven’t written on this blog for a while, a long while. But now I plan on updating regularly. I will add some short stories, shortly. Also just an update, I am currently working on my second book. It is about half done, although I know the whole story and how it will come out, now just to finish it. I am also planning on adding a regular series on this blog, something like a funny top ten list. I’ll probably add it weekly in addition to other content. I also plan on adding more funny spam that I receive from time to time, it’s just a matter of collecting it all and putting it together into a post. Anyway be on the lookout for a lot more bad fiction and other cool stuff real soon.
Thanks for visiting my blog and be sure to check back often……
It’s been a while since I have posted anything to this blog, so I thought that I would post an update about what has been going on, writing wise, with me. So here it is. I have been pretty busy with other stuff lately, and so I haven’t had much of a chance to write any more ‘bad fiction’ or really any other kind of fiction. But I am still waiting to see if I can get my first book published, and that is one of my goals for this year. Also I have started to write my second book. It will be completely different from my first book, and from my point of view, hopefully even better. Although I think that this second book will be harder to write and will take longer to write, if only because I don’t now have the kind of free time to write like i did when I wrote ‘Looking for Area 420’. Anyway maybe in the future I’ll post a preview of the first chapter or so of this new book that I am writing. And also in the near future, I plan on adding more short stories – ‘bad fiction’ – for this blog here, so come back soon, ya hear?
* sorry about the delay in releasing / finishing the rest of the story, but I have been pretty busy lately. So at long last here is the last part of the ‘short’ story…..
Jimmy suddenly woke up with a start on his living room couch. He had no idea how long he had been sleeping. And he had no idea why he had slept on the couch so early in the morning. It was afternoon now and Jimmy was a little off still. He soon regained some of his senses and started to slowly remember what had happened earlier. He remembered the rats had eaten his magic muffin, or at least the most of it. What they had left Jimmy himself had finished off, and that was when he passed out on the couch. He still felt a little sickly and his stomach was jumping in cartwheels inside of him. He sat up and soon after this he felt just a little better. And then he started to remember all of his fears about the rats growing to gigantic proportions. And then he suddenly felt sick again. He knew that he needed a game plan to deal with this situation. He was getting ready to put on his shoes when he remembered that his left foot had grown larger than his right foot. His left foot was the only thing that had grown so far. He thought about it for a while and then decided to try again to put on his shoes. But it was not no use, because he could not fit the shoe onto his overgrown left foot. So instead he put on flip flops, which still fit.
While in the middle of thinking about what to do about the giant rat problem, he suddenly saw a rat run across the kitchen. It was still normal sized, but looked aggressive somehow. Jimmy Footballs was still concentrating on this when his phone rang. It was his landlord. He was late with the rent and he had completely forgotten about it. He made some excuse to the landlord and hung up. But then he realized that he did not have enough money to cover the rent for this month. Mainly because he had spent so much money on the magic muffin. Suddenly a new plan formulated in his mind. Why not just move out and leave the apartment to the rats? He considered this strategy and realised that he did have other places he could move into, even on short notice. So he began to box up as much of his stuff as he could. He only packed his most important stuff. He would leave the food and other crap that he really didn’t need behind, he decided. He made a phone call to a friend who owed him a favor and asked for help in moving. And it was agreed. Then he called another friend in another town who had room for a roommate and asked if he could move in. The answer was yes, much to Jimmy’s relief. Jimmy sat back in the couch and was well satisfied that his game plan was a good one and that it would be successful. But then he remembered that he still had not considered his uneven sized feet problem.
After a short period of thinking about it, Jimmy realized that his only alternative was to buy a pair of shoes of the larger size. So he headed to the local shoe store and soon found a suitable pair of shoes that were the larger size of his left foot. And he bought the shoes. A little while later his friend helped him pack up his stuff and after moving most of his things, drove him to his new apartment. For the next few weeks Jimmys life slowly returned back to normal. The only thing that still wasn’t right was his left foot was still longer than his right foot, but this did not bother Jimmy as he had gotten used to it by now. A little more time went by. And Jimmy’s life was by now back to what he would call normal. Then one night Jimmy was watching a news program and was a little intrigued when he saw a teaser for a story about giant rats that were taking over buildings in a nearby city. Jimmy wondered if this had anything to do with his apartment. So he waited for the story and was surprised to see that the very building that he used to live in was in the story. He was even more surprised to learn that the rats had grown to about the size of large dogs. The one photographed by this news channel was about the size of a German Sheaperd. And Jimmy knew that he was ultimately responsible for this infestation of giant rats.
Jimmy Footballs slept very well and had some really unusual dreams too. In his dream, he ate the magic muffin and immediately grew to over ten feet tall, way taller than he wanted to be. And also in his dream he just kept growing and growing and growing, until he was over fifteen feet tall. Too tall to even get out of his apartment, let alone to drive his car or play his guitar, which looked like a child’s little toy in his hands. He realized that this was becoming a nightmare because he could not get out of his apartment, he couldn’t even stick his head out the window because it had grown too fat. He needed to crawl on his hands and knees just to move about in his apartment and even then he was barely able to do it. He dreamed that he fell into a deep sleep and when he awoke he heard the faint sound of someone knocking on his apartment door. The knob seemed so small to him that at first he was not able to turn it, but with some practice and work, he was eventually able to do it. The door swung open and he saw a very small looking figure looking up at him. This figure then got a very frightened look about their face and screamed, then turned and ran away. Jimmy started to sweat profusely. He then started to panic. It was just then that he awoke from his dream in a panic and in a puddle of sweat as well. He wiped the sweat from his brow and slowly raised himself up in his bed. He looked around his bedroom and everything seemed to be right, just the right size. He then looked down at himself and realized that he had not grown to over fifteen feet tall, but was still around five and a half feet tall. At first he was a little relieved, but then he was a little disappointed that he did not seem to have grown at all, even though he had already eaten a sizeable portion of the muffin.
Jimmy went through his normal morning routine, the usual, the three S’s. But after all of that he was getting dressed when he realized that something was not right, his left foot seemed to be a few inches longer than his right foot. And he knew that his feet had always been symmetrical and even, but now that did not appear to be the case. The more he studied his left foot the stranger that it seemed to him. And now he compared it to his right foot again, side by side. And sure enough it was at least three inches longer than his right foot. Jimmy scratched his head and thought about all of this for a few seconds. He wondered if first his left foot would grow and then maybe his right foot would grow and then to be followed by the rest of his body. That must be it, or at least he hoped that that was it. He put his right shoe on first, he always put his right shoe on first. Then he went and tried to put on his left shoe, but the fit was really tight. Too tight. He could not squeeze his left foot into the shoe. ‘Oh Well’, he thought. Who needs shoes anyway. So he went barefoot this day. It was no problem because it was a Saturday and he had nowhere to go and really nothing to do, so being barefoot would not be any kind of a problem. He just hoped that his right foot would grow to match his left foot by Monday when he would have to return to work, otherwise he would have to buy a pair of shoes and only utilize the left one. So, Jimmy made his way to the kitchen to have his breakfast, and he did so barefooted.
He nearly spewed when he fixed his eyes on the large box that contained the magic muffin. He could very clearly see that some rats had eaten several holes into the box. He was shaking his head back and forth as he approached the box and continually saying “no, no, no”. He arrived at the box and slowly peeled back one of the top flaps holding the box closed and glanced inside. He realized that his worst fears were becoming realized before his eyes. Rats had indeed gotten into the box and not only that, they had eaten away the most majority of the magic muffin. just then he began to think about what could happen if indeed the magic muffins actually would work. He could go from having an average rat problem to having an enormous rat problem, the kind of problem that one would very often see in those cheesy horror movies from the sixties and seventies. He went from being very angry at the rats to then being very scared that maybe they would grow to a monsterous size. And rats that are that large would obviously have the run of his apartment, he would simply have little or no say at all. All of this thinking about very scary things had given Jimmy quite an appetite, even though the thought of rats eating his muffin had destroyed his appetite only seconds earlier. Down at the very bottom of the box was a tiny little piece of the muffin left, just enough for breakfast, Jimmy thought. So he picked it up and looked at it. He could not see any rat crap on it or anything like that, just little rat teeth marks on it. So, ‘what the hell’, Jimmy thought, and he ate the magic muffin down in just three quick bites. He let out an enourmous belch and suddenly felt very queezy and quite ill as well. So he went to his living room to think about what he should do next…..
So here it is,
And if interested in publishing this or reading the whole book, then contact me @
shane AT shanezentz.com
The book is around 450 pages or so and took me about a month to write. I think that the book is pretty good but I don’t know if it is good enough to be published or not. So I’ll throw the first chapter out there and see if I get any good feedback.
So, here is most of the first chapter……..
‘Looking for Area 420’
Chapter 1:”Waking from a dream”…..
The sound of the siren of a fire truck rudely roused Kurt Larsen from a deep, relaxing sleep. His eyes were very unfocused and itchy as he began to peel them open, only to be greeted by the intense burning sun of mid afternoon. Taking a few more moments to gather himself he tried in vein to remember what had transpired the night before. But his memory was off on a break or something because he couldn’t remember anything, at least not yet. He wasn’t worried because he knew that eventually he would remember what had happened the night before. This was just the way that his memory worked; it just took a little while to warm up, like an old worn-out car. Kurt Larsen is a skinny white dude with dark curly hair in his late twenties who lived in Brooklyn and had lived there his whole life. The day slowly began to come into focus. He began to remember some of the events that occurred the night before. Mainly he remembered sitting on the couch with his best friend Jamie Glossman, doing what they usually do every day, smoking pot and watching TV. The way he felt this afternoon, Kurt believed that he and Jamie must have smoked about a quarter of an ounce of weed last night, but he wasn’t sure. Then he remembered that Jamie had said that he didn’t feel like going home, so he crashed on his couch. So Kurt rolled over and slowly got out of bed, headed out of his room down the hall, rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes the whole way. When he arrived in the living room, he saw Jamie on the couch still fast asleep.
“Dude, get up”, Kurt yelled as loud as he could! “It’s almost 1:30 in the afternoon”, he said while checking the time on the VCR. Slowly Jamie opened his eyes which looked bloodshot and tired. He looked as if he was having one of those moments when you first wake up and you don’t know where you are. Kurt could almost hear the gears of his mind grinding, just struggling to piece together the clues that would yield the answer to the perplexing question “Where am I, How did I get here, and Why”? Then Kurt could also almost see a light going off in Jamie’s eyes, so he knew that he must have found the answer. Jamie was trying to figure out why he was waking up on Kurt’s couch and not in his own bed, when he remembered that he was a little too “baked” to make his way home after smoking pot and watching TV until about four in the mourning. Jamie was also a skinny white dude, and like Kurt he was also in his late twenties, but he had long and straight blond hair. He pondered what Kurt had said, was it really 1:30 in the afternoon, and if so, why did Kurt let him sleep so late? So he decided to ask Kurt, “Dude, why did you let me sleep so late”? “Relax, man I just got up a few minutes ago myself”, Kurt said with a grin. “Damn dude, it’s already hot in here, it’s going to be a roaster today”, Jamie said while looking at the afternoon rays of sun flowing through the window. “What is the master plan for today”, Jamie asked? “What do you think, we are going to get stoned and hang out at the mall as usual”, Kurt said. “Then later on tonight we are going to get stoned again and watch some more TV, only this time we should invite our girlfriends over too”, he continued. “That sounds like a plan man”, Jamie agreed. “But we smoked all of our weed last night dude”, Jamie stated. That seemed to take a while to sink in for Kurt because he seemed to be in deep contemplation, or at least he was trying to think if what Jamie was saying was true or not.
“No dude, I know I have to have some weed somewhere around here, or at least some roaches to at least tide us over until I can score some more”, Kurt said while just thinking out loud. “I don’t like the thought of thinking about not getting stoned today, at least a little bit”, Jamie pondered while also thinking out loud. “Yea man I agree with you, and even more”, Kurt said while heading back to his bedroom. Jamie followed and when they arrived at Kurt’s bedroom both of them began searching through Kurt’s well-known hiding places to see if they could find any pot. But after an intense and long and thorough search, they found nothing. Not even any roaches. Not even any stems and seeds. Nothing. Just rolling papers and lighters but no filler. “Man this sucks”, Kurt stated emphatically! “Yea, what are we going to do”, Jamie wondered? “Well we will just have to see if “Twaif” has any of that killer weed left to sell us”, Kurt said while gazing out the window of his bedroom. He was referring to Gordon Twaifigto who was a small time pot dealer in Brooklyn, and he lived in the building opposite to the building that Kurt lived in. “Man I am not even going to waste my time trying to call that paranoid nut, he never answers his phone”, Kurt said while shaking his head at the thought of having to deal with Twaif. But then he remembered the great pot that Twaif had sold he and Jamie the other day, it was so much better than his usual lo-grade crap that he knew it would be worth dealing with that nut just to score some more of that outrageous weed. “Let’s get cleaned up and grab a quick breakfast and then we will pay Twaif a little visit”, Kurt said. “I hope that he still has some of the same weed left that he sold us the other day”, Jamie said to Kurt. “Yea, me too”, Kurt agreed.”What about bread man, I only have ten dollars left for the week”, Jamie wondered aloud. “Yea,that could be a problem dude, because I only have about five dollars on me”, Kurt added. “Maybe Twaif will let us put some weed on our tab like he did that one time man”, Jamie said while looking like he had just solved the world’s most serious problem. “I doubt that one, because that was when he was just trying to get rid of some rank weed that nobody else wanted”, Kurt said. “Remember that shit man, all it did was give us headaches, but we still smoked all of it”, Kurt continued. “Yea dude that was all too crazy man”, Jamie stated. “Twaif will only take cash for the good stuff and I think that our tab is full anyway man”, Kurt said. “Well let’s just get cleaned up and eat breakfast and get ready for the day and then we will try to think of how we can score some dough in order to get some more pot dude”, Kurt said and Jamie seemed to agree. So they both went about getting cleaned up and then met up in the kitchen where they were going to have breakfast and later a meeting of the minds to come up with a solution to their lack of cash flow problem.
During a hearty breakfast of pop tarts and cheerios Kurt and Jamie began to think about the problem that they had, mainly the lack of dough that they needed to buy some more pot. “Can’t you borrow some bread from your dad”, Jamie asked Kurt? “Well I doubt it because he knows that I would just use the money to buy pot with”, Kurt said and then he thought how odd it was that he was a stoner and his father was a cop. “What about your brother man”, Kurt asked? “Yea, he was telling everyone in our family how he made a bunch of rich bastards even richer with some shady stock trades and then he supposedly received some giant bonus which some family members began rumoring that it was at least seven figures, so maybe he would loan me some quick cash, or maybe even just give me some cash”, Jamie stated. “Well what are you waiting for, give him a call”,Kurt ordered. With that, Jamie went to the phone and dialed the number of his older brother.He stood there listening to the phone ring just waiting for his brother to answer. “What’s up brother”, Jamie almost yelled emphatically when his brother finally answered the phone! Jamie rolled his eyes and Kurt could tell that he was getting a lecture of one kind or another from his brother, and then. “Yes, I know Rick, I’ll try to call more often, but you know how it is,when you keep as busy as I do, then you lose track of time and before you know it a month has gone by”, Jamie said while shaking his head. “Look, I hate to ask, and you know that I hate to ask, but I am in kind of a pickle money-wise and I know that the one person that I can count onto help me out when I am in some kind of jam or something is you bro, and man am I in a tight spot now”, Jamie asked his brother in a kind of low tone of voice. “It’s just that rent is due and a bunch of other bills are coming due and with me being laid off and everything, money is extremely tight right now and I know that you are a big shot on wall street and you probably have money to burn, so I just need to ask if you can help a brother out right now”, Jamie asked? The tension was thick like gravy in the air as Jamie and Kurt both waited for the reply from Jamie’s brother. Kurt looked at Jamie and tried to guess the response of Jamie’s brother by Jamie’s reaction to it, but he had a good poker face and Kurt could not tell if the response was good or bad, positive or negative. He continued waiting and the tension just grew.
“I was thinking maybe a couple thousand dollars would be a huge help”, Jamie said with a pleased look on his face. Then he continued, “That would be great”. Just then Kurt knew that the answer was yes and that they would probably get enough money to buy enough pot to last at least a month. A couple thousand dollars can go a long way in a economy like this, Kurt thought. “Yea dude that would be great man”, Jamie said happily. “Alright I’ll see you then”,he continued and then hung up the phone. Jamie then turned to Kurt who was waiting for the word and he said, “He said he would give me two thousand dollars to help me get through the month”. “Wwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooo, hell yea”, Kurt yelled! “Oh yeah”, Jamie added!”But I’ll have to go to his office today before five to pick it up”, Jamie explained. “No problemo bro, well just take the subway to the city and well be back in time to buy a butt-load of pot and get well good and baked man”, Kurt said. “Sounds like a plan dude”, Jamie added. And with that the problem seemed to be solved and the two set out on foot to the subway to pay Jamie’s brother a visit and collect some greenage in order to buy some other greenage later on.
While Kurt and Jamie were on the train Kurt looked at his watch for an unusual amount of time. “We only have about two hours before five, I hope we have enough time to get there man”, Kurt said. “Don’t worry we have plenty of time”, Jamie stated. “Wow your brother really is coming through for you dude”, Kurt said. “Yea, I know, that is how it is in my family”,Jamie said and continued, “Do you remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Greg though the was all that and then some more and he wouldn’t listen to his parents or anyone else who gave him advice, he just went out and bought a car on his own. Then later on he finds out that it is a real lemon, just a real piece of crap, and at first his parents and his brothers and sisters laugh at him and his piece of crap car and just give him a hard time in general, but eventually they help him out and they all pitch in and fix up the car so that it looks like a total classic, but the car is still really a piece of crap, so he gets rid of it, but in the end he learns a really valuable lesson and he starts acting like less of a jerk”, Jamie asked while judging the reaction of Kurt to see if he was following where he was going with all of this? “Yea, I remember that”, Kurt said while nodding his head. “Well, that is how it is in my family, not that we are all goody-two-shoes like the Brady Bunch or anything,but we might rip on each other once in a while but we also help each other out when it is necessary”, Jamie explained. “Yea man that is real cool, I wish it was like that in my family”, Kurt said.